Faith

I didn't fly in a plane until I was in my twenties. I've always been a little terrified of flying. There's a number of reasons, most of them are irrational, but its not like I'm the only one with the phobia, so whatever. Anyway, first time I flew was with Vicki, and I was extremely nervous. As with everything else in my life, I didn't let on - keeping with my weirdo machismo, I put on the stoic face. During the flight, we hit the usual turbulence - nothing serious, from what I understand, but certainly enough to freak out a nervous first-time flier. Vicki and I were watching 24 on the portable DVD player, so that distracted me reasonably well, but still I was running the fiery death scenarios through my head like that scene in Fight Club.

Then, all at once, I was calm. I thought to myself, "If I die, then at least I'll be passing into whatever comes next with the girl that I love." Looking back on it, I still feel like maybe that's a little morbid, but honestly it was a beautiful moment. At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, it's as close as I've come to a religious experience. More than the average person, I'd say, I've always been afraid of death. As I've ranted about before, I'm not sure that there's anything but a void after death, and "terrify" is to weak a word to describe how that makes me feel. Nothing in my life has been able to conquer that feeling.

(Aside: I'm apparently not too much of a morbid freak. There's this sweet song called "Dear Bobbie" on the newest Yellowcard album that's based on the Ryan Key's 87 year old grandfather reading a love letter to his wife of 58 years. Part of the lyrics: "When I lay tonight / When I close my eyes / I know the sun will rise / Here or the next life / As long as you're still mine / It's all right, I'll be fine / When I die, then I die loving you." It's really a touching song, it actually features Key's granddad reading from the love letter, it's beautifully genuine. Someone on the 'net compared it to the the movie The Notebook, but in music form. Which makes it slightly lamer, but still beautiful.)

That's why I can't let go. I can't give it up. You know, maybe (probably?) some other girl will make me feel the same way. I don't know, to me that seems like a really big chance to take. I don't know. Maybe it's something that you eventually feel with anyone that you've spent enough time with, but I doubt it. I certainly can't claim that I'm experienced when it comes to love, but I can't shake this feeling that this is something special.